It's Called A Break-Up Because It's Broken

Well friends, I write to you now with tear stained cheeks and a really broken heart, so needless to say, I'm not really in the mood to talk about what I am loving this Wednesday. Tonight, after lots of debate, tears, lists, and prayer I decided to end things with TJ. This has been something on my mind for a while now. I think I was in denial (see previous post) about how things were going because it meant I had someone, especially that particular someone. But having someone doesn't mean anything if you aren't growing in the relationship and it's really not going anywhere. We were stuck. I felt like I was giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I was making trips home but no trips were being made to Louisville. I was telling him I missed him and excited to see him and I never got the same in return...unless I brought it up. But most of all, I think the entire time my heart was breaking because I knew that this relationship was not the relationship I had been promised or "sold" in the letter I got back in December. That is a lot harder to admit than you would think.

The straw that broke the camels back, as they say, occurred this afternoon. We previous talked about TJ maybe coming down for one night this weekend (only one because his nephew's first bday party is Saturday so he was going to come either before or after) Anyway, we hadn't talked about it much but I needed to make sure today if he was coming due to something totally unrelated that can be left for another blog post. So I called him and asked and after stumbling around 3 different excuses as to why 'it's not a good weekend' I pointed out that back in the beginning he said he'd make the effort to come to Louisville because he knew I was busy and he had nothing on the weekends. (he's been here once) So before I can even get all of that out he cuts me off and snaps at me "You have no idea how stressed I am right now We are NOT talking about this right now" (Did I mention those MCAT scores came back today? They weren't pretty) So after a long pause because I was speechless, I came back with all these other weekends that were convenient for everyone else (New york last weekend, elon bball games, a weeklong cruise) but how it was so funny no weekends were convenient for me! Ever! So then he tells me he has to go run and I just hang up. If you can't make me feel more important than a run, then I don't need to be having this conversation.

So then come the tears. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was hurt but in the back of my mind I KNEW he wasn't going to come before I even called. That's not okay. It's not okay that I didn't feel like he wanted to make that effort to see me. I know this may sound silly to some of you...it's just one weekend. But it's more than that. It's all the "just one weekend"s combined and it's the fact that in reality I didn't feel like I was someone TJ could ever truly be proud of. At times I felt like he was embarrassed by me. I don't know why. It's not like he tried to hide me or anything but it's the simple fact that I was never felt special to him. At least not for the past few months. So I lied. I told everyone we were doing great and he was great and inside I was that same girl I was junior year that let someone walk all over her while she was miserable inside. You also may think I'm heartless for doing this the day of the MCAT scores, but I have been miserable the past few days and it couldn't wait any longer.

So I cried for like a solid 4 hours with Whitney and our friend Tiffany. I told them all these same things and they put in their opinions but keeping it clear that it was something I had to decide, no matter what they thought. I had no idea what I was going to do. TJ has been in my life for 7 years now...with a little hiatus in the middle and he really had become one of my very best friends again. He was always there to listen and I will really miss talking to him right before bed! (ugh...I'm actually dreading heading to lay down in a few minutes) But I had that butterfly/sick feeling all day...even before the little fight. It wasn't until after Tiffany asked me a question that it finally clicked. After spilling my guts she said "Lindsay, you know what you need to do, don't you?" and when I said "yes" it was like my fears and that horrible butterfly feeling instantly went away. I admitted it out loud that I knew I needed to get out and I felt better. If that's not God sending a message I'm not sure what is.

So he called later and we talked for about 45 minutes. And I just told him everything. I never felt special, I didn't feel like he really cared, I didn't see any willingness to put in effort and I just really felt like it was one sided. I wasn't trying to play the blame game but I was just being honest. He told me he understood and he agreed that he hadn't been the person he thought he could be when writing that letter. He kept apologizing but never begged. He said when he looked at other couples like Whitney and Clint he never felt like we were like that or didn't know if we could be. But I told him that Love isn't something that just happens when you don't put in any effort. (that sounds rude but I'm sure I worded it better) I also told him until you make someone feel special and like they are a priority then it won't ever work with anyone. He agreed and said he realized he still has a lot of growing up to do before trying to get into a relationship again. It was very civil and polite and we didn't fight or anything- no hard feelings. He apologized about 100x about treating me that way, putting me through this (again), and making me feel anything but important. But one thing he didn't do was fight for me... and that was tough. Not that I expected it, but I wanted him to beg and ask me to give him another chance and tell me that he could change. But he didn't. I realize that that was enough to let me know it was time to move on. Love won't ever be something the two of us will have together... at least at the same time.

The hardest part of the whole conversation was getting off the phone because I knew it would be for the very last time. I miss him already as I sit and type this at the time I usually would be talking to him. I stayed strong and saved most of the tears for afterward. Why did he have to be so nice to me? And why couldn't he have just asked me to give him another chance? Ugh. These are questions that are swirling through my head but I had a really happy life without him before, and I will again. I'm just going to be sad for awhile.

So that is my story friends. I am sorry I couldn't call each of you because I would love nothing more than to hear your voices and let me know everything is going to be okay. But right now I am just talked out. Anyway, I'm done for now. There is more I can share but it'd just drag this out even longer. So right now all I'm asking for is prayer! I know God has something big planned for me, and in time I'll figure that out but sending a few up for me wouldn't hurt either. And what I don't want from this post is for you to feel sorry for me. I think that's what I'm afraid of is the "ohh, poor Lindsay. It happened again" looks. Because this time, it was my decision and had I never tried, I already would have wondered what could have happened. Anyway, talk to you all soon hopefully!! Girls weekend weekend of the 10th? Let me know!

Love you all very, very much!